The Approval Lie
The approval lie: I am defined by what others think of me. The counter truth: I am defined by what God thinks of me.
How the Approval Lie Shows Up
Are you believing the lie that your worth is defined by what others think of you? I've got some good news for you today as we continue our series on the lies we believe and the truth that sets us free.
It’s episode three in this series, and I don’t know about you, but I’m finding it quite challenging. It kinda frustrates me that I so easily believe these lies. But it’s good to acknowledge them because it’s only when we admit that we’re believing lies that we can start to intentionally switch them out for the truth.
So how do you fare with the lie that you are what others think of you?
I’m going to guess it depends on how liked you’re feeling at the moment. If you don’t have much opposition, you’ll probably think this is a lie you don’t believe. On the other hand if you find yourself having to make decisions that make you stand out or go against the grain, you might be really aware that it’s incredibly easy to be caught in this lie.
Let’s look at how it can show up in our lives, maybe you can relate to one or two of these:
You’re about to post something online and suddenly think “Oooh, if I post this will people think I’m being too much?”
Or a conversation is venturing into vulnerable territory and a friend admits something they’re struggling with, now’s your chance to admit that you’re struggling too, but then you suddenly think “No I’m the one who has it all together, I can’t admit that” and you just nod and say “yeah i hear you, I’ll pray for you”.
Or maybe you know God is asking you to do something, maybe it’s to start a new project, confront something at work, or offer to pray for a friend. But you think, “No, that's going to make me look self-promoting, weird, or pushy”, so you let the moments and days pass until the feeling wears off.
If any of those applied to you, I get it, there’s no judgement here. This one catches me out a lot, mostly because it comes in all types of disguises. It’s not just about wanting to be liked, it’s about not wanting to appear weird, not being too confrontational, wanting to know our words or actions are making a difference or being noticed.
Discernment vs Fear
And sometimes, it’s hard to know our own motives isn’t it. Not everything that comes into our heads should be said out loud, that’s just wisdom, but how do we know the difference between discernment and fear? Between “I’m not saying this because it’s not the right time or place or I don’t have the right words yet” and “I’m not saying this because it’s hard to say, and I’m scared”?
Firstly, there’s no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. So if you’re feeling the shame or guilt from staying quiet or standing still because you’ve been scared of what others might say, know that God is not looking at you with condemnation, he’s close to you and compassionate towards you.
He’s compassionate because He doesn’t want us to be bound up by fear and the pressure of pleasing people. It’s an impossible weight to carry.
Back to those discernment questions though, one of the best ways I’ve found to figure out whether I’m being held back by my need for people’s approval is to question whether I would do something anonymously.
It’s good from the pride angle, it shows I’m not doing something so I can be seen to be doing something. I’m doing something because I want to do it out for love for other people.
It also good from the fear angle. If I might find it hard to do or say the thing visibly, but would do it undercover or say it anonymously then that’s usually a sign that I’m getting in my own way. I obviously think it’s worthwhile, the problem is that I’m scared to be associated with it.
In those moments, I’m usually performing instead of being authentic, trying to guess who I should be rather than just being me. Can you relate to that? I’m trusting I’m not on my own here.
The Weight of This Lie
It’s a frustrating place to be though because we give other people power over our moods, choices, even our sense of calling, and so we miss out on what God has for us.
That’s what this lie takes from us: opportunities to partner with God in what He’s doing. We let other people’s opinions decide whether we’ll say yes to God.
And if we don’t think people would approve of it, we just ignore the nudges from the Holy Spirit. And then eventually they stop. And then we wonder why we haven’t heard from God in a while. Not realising it’s because we’ve gone numb to his nudges, because we keep saying no.
Again. I understand how we get here. There’s no condemnation. I just want us to see the weight of this lie.
Let’s take a look at the Bible, it’s full of stories of people who, just like us, struggled to put aside the opinions of people.
Learning from Nicodemus
Nicodemus is one of those people. He was a Pharisee, a member of the Sanhedrin, one of the spiritually elite men in Jesus’ day and John tells us that he came to see Jesus at night. Why at night? We can only assume it’s because he didn’t want to be seen.
He was defined by what other people thought of him.
He’s got a nighttime faith. A secret faith. He’s genuinely intrigued by Jesus and clearly wants some kind of relationship with him but not so much so that he is willing to risk his position and be seen in the day.
But Jesus’ miracles happen in the day, his teaching happens in the day, He’s missing out on daytime discipleship because he’s to busy managing his reputation.
I don’t want to miss out because I’m hiding behind a nighttime faith. Are you the same? I wonder what conversations we aren’t having, or what risks we aren’t taking, or what callings haven’t been stepped into yet because we’re looking for approval in the wrong places.
Thankfully Nicodemus did eventually come out of hiding, although we never see a definitive public profession of his faith, we do see him defending Jesus and even helping with his burial, where he joined another secret disciple, Joseph, and brought far more balm than was customary.
The Truth That Sets Us Free
But either way we don’t have to stay hiding like Nicodemus did. So how do we combat this lie?
We are not what people think of us. We are who God says we are.
Before anyone else gets to tell us who we are, what we’re good at, what we should be doing or where our place in the world is, God has already spoken. Before we accomplish anything, impress anyone, or disappoint anyone, God looks at each of us and says ‘You are my beloved child”.
I know you know this. I know it too. It sounds so simple doesn’t it? So why is it so easy to forget it when someone gives us a funny look or tells us to calm down in our walk with Jesus?
I think it’s because those looks and words are loud and instant and in our faces. But God’s approval can sometimes feel quiet, consistent rather than intense. It requires faith to believe that the God of the universe actually delights in us when we can’t typically see his face or hear his voice audibly.
This is where faith comes in. But as always in our faith, we can get intentional about it, but we never walk the journey on our own. Anything that faith makes possible, like believing the truth over lies, is only made possible because of the power of the Holy Spirit in us.
And so what’s the part that we can play? We can turn up the volume. Sometimes God’s delight feels distant or quiet simply because we haven’t opened up our Bibles in a while and reminded ourselves of his approval of us.
Here's some truth to hold onto: 1 John 3:1 says, "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"
Not what we might become if we get our act together. Not what we'll be if people approve of us. That's what we are. Right now. Today.
If you have to, have that scripture on a loop in your mind. And ask the Holy Spirit for the power to believe it. Then, start experimenting. This lie can stop us taking risks in our faith, so as we pursue the truth, we should expect to start taking more risks.
Question
Here’s a question for you this week, what would happen if you started each day this week with this invitation to the Holy Spirit: Holy Spirit, I want to believe the truth that I’m beloved and already approved of, free from the lie that I’m defined by what others say about me, so would you help me practice this by inviting me to take one risk for you today.
That risk might look small, maybe just saying yes to a conversation, or speaking up in a meeting, or it might be bigger, sharing your faith with a friend or being generous to someone in your world.
Whatever it is, if love drives out fear, then love also makes space for faith.
Prayer
Lord, we acknowledge where we have been scared to speak or act because we’re worried what people might think about us. It isn’t how we want to live. So God would you fill us once again with your Holy Spirit, and empower us to live lives of faith and risk from a place of knowing we’re already loved and approved of. In our minds would you highlight the words you speak over us, and would the words, thoughts, and opinions of others fall away. Over those listening right now I declare that the fear of others and the habit of people pleasing has to go in Jesus’ name and speak faith into their lives. Would they be marked by a fresh revelation of you and your faithfulness Jesus. In your precious name amen.